Singleness and Modesty

It’s easy to assume, along with our culture, that you’re not complete unless you find your “better half.” Singles are “loose ends in need of tying up.” Our society tells us that one special person is out there for each one of us. If you could just find that one perfect person, you could get married and live happily ever after. However, the Bible directly confronts the Disney fairytales. First, we’ll look at what Jesus said about singleness before looking at what Paul wrote to the Corinthians.

Singleness

Matthew 19:9-12 Jesus was never married. Was he lacking? After he explained his view of divorce and remarriage, his disciples asked if it was better not to marry at all. Jesus explains that singleness is not for everyone. Some are born without working organs (eunuchs from birth), others were castrated (eunuchs by men), and still others choose to live celibately (eunuchs for the Kingdom).

1 Corinthians 7:7-9 Paul was unapologetically single. God has gifted people differently: some for singleness and others for marriage. However, all people should not automatically assume that marriage is God’s plan for them. It is good to remain single.

1 Corinthians 7:32-35 Living as a single includes several important benefits. You can focus on the Lord and how to please him. Your interests are not divided with a spouse and/or kids. Additionally, you’re free from all the stress of marriage. Singles enjoy more flexibility to serve God, including traveling and missions as well as ministry on nights and weekends.

1 Corinthians 7:36-39 Look at how Paul exalts singleness. Marriage is not a sin, but singleness is better. In fact, he argues that widows would be happier if they didn’t seek remarriage. Some of this perspective probably derives from how marriages functioned in antiquity, but also because, generally speaking, singles make better missionaries. Craig Blomberg offers the following refreshing taking on singleness:

“If many Roman Catholics have overly exalted celibacy as an ideal, most Protestants have drastically undervalued it. Christian singles need much more support from their married friends and their churches, who must value them as equally significant members of the body of Christ. In a society that constantly pressures people into hasty marriages, the church desperately needs to encourage all who sense God leading them to remain single, for however long or short a period of time, to remain faithful to his guidance.” ⁵³

Even if the Scriptures extol living as a single, this doesn’t mean life is without challenges for the unmarried, including sexual temptation, a desire for intimacy, and loneliness. However, God has not left us without help here, since He provides for meaningful friendships within the body of Christ.

Friendship

Wesley Hill and his organization, Spiritual Friendship, has done some good work developing a robust theology of friendship.⁵⁴ A great chasm lies between the superficial social media “friends” and how the Bible talks about friendship. Here are some pertinent Scriptures:
– A friend loves always (Prov 17:17)
– Don’t listen to a close friend if they are defying God (Deut 13:6)
– Friends don’t gossip (Prov 16:28; 17:9)
– A friend sticks closer than a brother (Prov 18:24)
– Don’t become friends w/ angry people so you don’t learn their ways (Prov 22:24-25)
– “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (Prov 27:6)
– Sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel (Prov 27:9)
– Don’t forsake your friend or your father’s friend (Prov 27:10)
– Lay down your life for a friend (John 15:13)
– Friendship w/ the world is enmity with God (Jam 4:4)

Aelred of Rievaulx (ad 1110-1167) wrote a book called Spiritual Friendship in which he delineated three kinds of friendships: carnal, worldly, and spiritual. What he says is worth considering. After all, who better to ask about genuine, deep, Christian friendship than a medieval monk?

38. Let us call one friendship carnal, another worldly, and the third spiritual. The carnal is created by a conspiracy in vice, the worldly is enkindled by hope of gain, and the spiritual is cemented among the righteous by a likeness of lifestyles and interests. 39. The real origin of carnal friendship comes from an affection that, exposing its body to every wayfarer like a harlot, is led now here, now there, by the lust of its own ears and eyes. Through these windows, images of beautiful bodies or of voluptuous objects spring to a mind that thinks it bliss to enjoy them at will, though they are less enjoyable without a companion. 40. Then by a gesture, a nod, a word, or an act of deference, spirit is captivated by spirit, one is set afire by another, and they are fused into one, so that once this degrading pact is struck, each will perform or endure for the other any possible crime or sacrilege.…

42. Worldly friendship, begotten of greed for temporal goods or for wealth, is always marked by fraud and deception. Here nothing is reliable, constant, or fixed, for worldly friendship fluctuates with fortune and chases coin. 43. Hence it is written, “there is a friend who is one when the time suits but will not stand by in your day of trouble.” Remove his hope of reward, and at once he ceases to be your friend.… 44 …In no way, however, should this be called a genuine friendship, for it begins and continues in hope of temporal gain.

45. Now the spiritual, which we call true friendship, is desired not with an eye to any worldly profit or for any extraneous reason, but for its own natural worth and for the emotion of the human heart, so that its fruit and reward is nothing but itself. 46. Hence our Lord says in the Gospel, “I appointed you to go and to bear fruit,” that is, to “love one another.” For one goes by making progress in this true friendship, and one bears fruit by savoring the sweetness of its perfection. So spiritual friendship is begotten among the righteous by likeness of life, habits, and interests, that is, by agreement in things human and divine, with good will and charity. 47. Now I think this definition adequately expresses friendship, provided that by our mention of charity, as is our habit, we mean to exclude every vice from friendship and provided that by good will we mean the delightful awakening within us of the emotion of love.⁵⁵

What a wonderful ideal for all of us. Each one of us needs genuine spiritual friendships to help us live for God, encourage us when we’re down, and even reprove us when we need it. This does not just apply to single people either. The Married need to have friends; singles need godly relationships; divorced folks need intimacy; the widowed need brothers and sisters too. Who better than the church—the body of Christ—to live this out? Perhaps we need to expand how we show hospitality to include those who aren’t in our biological family (Luke 14:12-14; 1 Peter 4:9). We can invite others into our lives to do things together and build bonds with each other. Even so, these relationships (if they are not between a husband and a wife) should be chaste—characterized by modesty.

Modesty

Modesty is important for everyone, whether single or married. Our bodies are a temple of the holy spirit, so we should always seek to glorify God in our bodies (1 Cor 6:19-20).

1 Timothy 2:9-10 We must adorn ourselves with “respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control.” We should clothe ourselves in a manner that coheres with our profession of godliness. What truly makes us beautiful is our good works, not our present physical attributes (which will change with time).

1 Peter 3:1-4 Wives should carry themselves in a “respectful and pure” way, not focusing on external appearance but the “imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.” Oftentimes today, the temptation is to wear clothing so tight that nothing is left to the imagination. The Scriptures don’t provide us with a specific dress code, but they do teach us to have pure motives (Mat 5:8). Our goal is to live to the glory of God, not to put a stumbling block before others (Rom 14:13). 

53 Craig L. Blomberg, The New American Commentary: Matthew, (Nashville: Broadman Press, 1992), p. 294.
54 spiritualfriendship.org
55 Aelred of Rievaulx, Spiritual Friendship 1.38-47, trans. by Lawrence Braceland, (Collegeville, MN: Cistercian Publications, 2010), pp. 62-64.