Proverbs 19:20 – Listen to advice and accept instruction, That you may gain wisdom in the future.
Proverbs 25:11-12 – A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver. Like a gold ring or an ornament of gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear.
Our goal in counseling with people is that they would hear our advice and accept instruction so that they would overcome whatever they are facing. However, if we seek to speak words of wisdom, we often must begin by accurately listening and seeking to understand what is going on in a situation.
Sometimes it is hard for us to listen.
Here are a few reasons why:
1. You may think you already know the truth of the matter.
o Proverbs 18:13 If one gives an answer before he hears, It is his folly and shame.
o We do well to remember humanity’s first sin resulted from our propensity to fall into deception (Gen 3:13). Later on in Israel’s history, God gave them specific, clear, and repeated commands to avoid idolatry (Deut 11:16-18). Yet, they still somehow rationalized worshipping other gods. Even though God sent prophet after prophet to urge the people to repent, they would not listen (2 Chron 36:14-16).
2. You may be impatient because the person is taking a long time to make his or her point.
o Proverbs 18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, But only in expressing his opinion.
o Sometimes, people struggle to convey their issue succinctly. Asking questions may help you get to a quicker understanding; whereas offering advice just to cut to the chase may cause more harm than good.
3. You may get angry with what someone is saying, and that could cause you to stop listening.
o James 1:19-20 19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
o If you are too emotional, you are probably not the best person to help in that situation. Our emotions, especially anger, make it hard for us to listen clearly and problem solve.
4. You may be distracted and allow your mind to drift so that you miss key parts of their explanation.
o Romans 12:10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.
o One aspect of showing people honor is listening to them intently. If you have more pressing issues to attend to, then just be honest, and make a time to return to have the conversation.
It’s important that we remain sensitive to God’s leading in the moment. God can give you insider information to the situation (John 4:15-19) or miraculous wisdom to resolve a problem (1 Kings 3:25). If we would like God to guide us, then we cannot quench His spirit (1 Thess 5:19). It is hard to hear God speaking if your inner world is in disarray, but if you do the work of cultivating a relationship with God daily, you’ll be more likely to hear Him in the critical moments of life.
Some of us are much more comfortable listening than speaking, especially if we disagree with someone. However, it’s problematic if you say nothing and just actively listen the whole time. We should not allow someone to go on living in deception (Jer 29:8-9). We have to say the hard things, but we must always do it in love.
In any situation, we want to do what we can to point people to God. One of the most effective ways to do this is by bringing Scripture into the conversation. The Bible is God’s primary way of communicating His truths to us (2 Tim 3:16-17). Sometimes, God’s perspective on an issue is so different from our own that we can’t even hear it at first. It takes a lot of effort to hear accurately what Scripture says, but the rewards are worth it.
Proverbs 2:1-12 1 My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, 2 making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; 3 yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, 4 if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, 5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. 6 For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; 7 he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, 8 guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints. 9 Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; 10 for wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul; 11 discretion will watch over you, understanding will guard you, 12 delivering you from the way of evil, from men of perverted speech.
Silence is an important part of listening. Silence is difficult for most of us. It is very important to allow for silence when listening to another’s problems. When a silence begins, we usually rush in with advice, direction, and personal stories.
There are times when a person just needs to think and not talk. Let the person have a few minutes to think through thoughts/feelings in order to respond. Sit quietly, not fidgeting, to wait for the response. Sometimes it takes a bit for people under stress to come to grips with what is going on inside themselves. (Some people process inside, some out loud.) If after several minutes have gone by and there is still no response, you could say something like, “Can I help you sort out your thoughts?” or “If you’d like, I can begin talking, and we can sort this out together.” Or “Let me know when you are ready to talk again.” Do not push. Maybe the person just isn’t ready now but will be next time.
The opposite is when people talk and talk and talk, hardly taking a breath. It takes patience to listen intently, but it is necessary to use your good listening skills. If the person begins repeating the same story over and over, it is generally time to intervene by either summarizing or asking a clarifying question. Some people need to vent. This is fine within reason. Reflecting back to the person what you are hearing and their emotions as often as you can will help the talkative one to feel heard and will become less intent on trying to convince you to “hear” her or him.
Avoid giving answers or solutions too quickly. We tend to want to “fix” things. In the discovery phase, do not rush to provide solutions. Focus your attention on helping to get to the root(s) of the confusion, denial, and numbness that are present. When the person accurately articulates the problem, the solutions and conclusions are readily identified. When you jump to your conclusions right away, you rob the person of using his/her insights, understandings, prayer, and trust in Yahweh to deal with the problem. Advising or telling others what to do (take this job, not that one, for example) puts the focus on you. Your goal is to help the person to rely on Yahweh for answers and make wise decisions himself.
Take the time needed to explore the problem. Make sure the phase of uncovering the problem is given enough time to really process the actual problem. (The person is not the problem.)
Self-disclosure may or may not be the right thing to do. The timing of self-disclosure has to be on-point. Be aware of bringing attention to your “stuff” instead of focusing on the other person. Trading “war” stories is generally not a helpful way of relating to others. You can share at times, but briefly and only the necessary and important parts of your story. Again, it is not about you but about the other person. If you feel the need to talk a lot about your situations, it is advisable to find someone to talk to and work through these problems.
Our responses are to assist in comforting, encouragement, providing information, and, if necessary, correction.
