Marital Issues
This is one of the most sensitive subjects to talk with someone about, but it is important that you know what the bible says about marriage and divorce, so you don’t give advice that goes against what God says is right. Divorce is commonplace in America today. Although the divorce rate in the USA skyrocketed from 1965 to 1980, culminating in the infamous statistic that 50% of marriages were failing, it’s been on the decline since. As of 2018, it is now down to 41%.1 This decline may result from the fact that many getting married today grew up in the shadow of divorce. Young people are waiting longer to get married, cohabiting before marriage, and fewer are marrying at all. Still 41% is incredibly high and we should expect that Christian marriages would do considerably better. Sadly, a 2008 survey found that the divorce rate within Christianity is about the same as the country in general.2 “With few exceptions American Christianity has simply capitulated before the divorce epidemic that has swept the nation over the past thirty-five years.”3 With all of this in mind, it’s imperative that we keep an open mind to what scripture says, rather than squeezing the bible into the mold of our culture.
The Biblical Ideal
Genesis 2.18-25
– רֶז ֵ֖ ע ezer: helper, every other place ezer occurs in the Torah, this refers to God (Gen 49.25; Ex 18.4; Deut 32.38 (false gods); 33.7, 26, 29)
– דֶגֶנ neged: fit, that which is opposite, that which corresponds
Mark 10.2-9
Romans 7.1-3
Matthew 22.30
Ephesians 5.22-33
1 Corinthians 7.1-5
Divorce
Deuteronomy 24.1-4 1
Matthew 5.31-32; 19.9
1 Corinthians 7.8-16
Conclusion
Most divorces today are probably not for these biblical reasons:
1. adultery (Mat 5.31-32; 19.9)
2. abandonment by an unbeliever (1 Cor 7.15)
3. abuse (inferred from “such cases” in 1 Cor 7.15)
Other reasons divorce occurs might include:
1. My spouse is lazy and forces me to do all the work and support him/her
2. I’m not happy; my spouse makes me miserable
3. I’m not sexually gratified; my spouse is unattractive now
4. We fight all the time; I can’t stand to be around him/her
5. We are so poor and in debt because s/he foolishly spends all the money
6. S/he can’t have children; I wouldn’t have married him/her if I knew this
7. I’m in love with someone else; I deserve better
8. My spouse is holding me back from fulfilling me dreams
With the noted biblical exceptions, we should by default be on the side of the marriage, trying to help people fix their marriages rather than pursue divorce or infidelity. Good books that you may find helpful include (1) Timothy and Kathy Keller, Meaning of Marriage, (2) Emerson Eggerichs, Love and Respect, and (3) Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages.
If divorce has occurred from a believer (outside of biblical grounds) then your advice should be in line with 1 Corinthians 7.11, namely, to remain unmarried or be reconciled to the spouse. If you’re working with the person who was wronged in a righteous divorce, then there should be no stigma or blaming the victim. In fact, the church should rally together to support him/her. However, if the person you are talking with caused the divorce, encourage him/her to repent and seek forgiveness. Divorce is a big deal, but it is not the end of the world.
In all cases, being a good friend means showing love and support as someone starts to put their broken life back together. Encourage him/her to come to church regularly, go to a home fellowship or small group, and develop platonic relationships with godly people. This is especially key if the marriage caused him/her to isolate. S/he will need time to process, time to figure out life, and time to heal. Holidays can be especially difficult after divorce. The family of God can step in in a huge way to bind up the brokenhearted and nurture those who are wounded back to health.
Appendix: Legal Grounds for Divorce in New York State
4 There are seven grounds, legally acceptable reasons, for a divorce in New York State:
1. irretrievable
breakdown in relationship for a period of at least 6 months This ground is usually called a no-fault divorce. To use this ground, the marriage must be over for at least 6 months, and all economic issues, including debt, how the marital property will be divided, and custody and support of the children have been settled.
2. cruel and inhuman treatment
To use this ground, the Judge will be looking for specific acts of cruelty that happened in the last five years. It is not enough that you and your spouse had arguments or did not get along. The cruelty must rise to the level that the Plaintiff is physically or mentally in danger and it is unsafe or improper for the Plaintiff to continue living with the Defendant.
3. abandonment
To use this ground, the spouse must have abandoned the Plaintiff for at least one year or more. Two examples of abandonment: where the spouse physically leaves the home without any intention of returning or where the spouse refuses to have sex with the other spouse, this is called “constructive” abandonment.
4. imprisonment
To use this ground, the spouse must have been in prison for 3 or more years in a row. The spouse must have been put into prison after the marriage began. The Plaintiff can use this ground while the spouse is in prison or up to 5 years after the spouse was released from prison.
5. adultery
To use this ground, the Plaintiff must show that the spouse committed adultery during the marriage. This ground can be hard to prove because evidence from someone besides the Plaintiff and spouse is needed.
6. divorce after a legal separation agreement
To use this ground, the Plaintiff and Defendant sign and file a valid separation agreement and live apart for one year. The separation agreement must have specific requirements included to be valid.
7. divorce after a judgment of separation
This ground is not used very often. To use this ground, the Supreme Court draws up a judgment of separation and the married couple live apart for one year.
1 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, “National Center for Health Statistics: Marriage and Divorce,” January 20, 2017, cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm
2 Barna Group, “New Marriage and Divorce Statistics Released, March 31, 2008, barna.com/research/newmarriage-and-divorce-statistics-released
3 Glen Stassen and David Gushee, Kingdom Ethics: Following Jesus in Contemporary Context (Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic: 2003), p. 272.
4 New York State Unified Court System, “The Grounds,” Domestic Relations Law § 170, nycourts.gov/courthelp/Family/divorceRequirements.shtml
