Sex before Marriage

The Bible on Premarital Sex

The biblical purpose of sex is grounded in creation theology (Gen 2:24). The question before us today is whether or not God says premarital sex is fitting for His people.

Exodus 22:16-17
16 “If a man seduces a virgin who is not betrothed and lies with her, he shall give the bride-price for her and make her his wife. 17 If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money equal to the bride-price for virgins.

Immediately, several issues jump out, including the bride-price, arranged marriages, and the importance of virginity. What is without question, though, is that this law considers premarital sex to be a violation of the law. But, as Christians, we don’t live by the Old Testament laws of Moses and the Israelites, right? Let’s take a look at what Jesus says about a related subject:

Matthew 5:27-30 27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.

It’s important to distinguish between experiencing attraction (ok) and looking with lustful intent (not ok). Here, Jesus gives us a way to defeat adultery. We must wage the battle in our minds. If we can achieve victory in the mind, we will overcome in our bodies as well. Now let’s consider a passage that directly deals with the broader category of sexual immorality.

1 Thessalonians 4:1-5 1 Finally, then, brothers, we ask and urge you in the Lord Jesus, that as you received from us how you ought to walk and to please God, just as you are doing, that you do so more and more. 2 For you know what instructions we gave you through the Lord Jesus. 3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, 5 not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.

Πορνεία (porneia) is the Greek word translated “sexual immorality” or “fornication.” According to the BDAG, it refers to “unlawful sexual intercourse” including prostitution, unchastity, adultery, and idol worship (metaphorically).⁷ Thus, porneia is a broad word encompassing any extramarital sexual activity, which is why many translations prefer the term “sexual immorality.” Here’s another clearer text:

1 Corinthians 6:18-7:2, 8-9 18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. 7:1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality (porneias), each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband…8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 

Here we have an unambiguous Scripture that commends marriage for those burning with desire so that they don’t fall into the temptation of sexual immorality (premarital sex). This text clearly shows that sexual immorality includes (but is not limited to) premarital sex. This is the teaching of Scripture: don’t have sex before marriage. Fight the battle in your mind before you’re in a situation when it’s nearly impossible to restrain yourself.

Cohabitation and Trial Marriages

Living together before marriage increased from 30% in 1987 to 50% in 1995 to 61% in 2002.⁸ In a world where many have suffered as children while their parents fought and eventually divorced, cohabitation seems like a good way to work out compatibility before making a mistake. Living together also saves money, helps couples get out their parents’ houses, and enables deeper companionship and expressions of love than living apart. However, I want to offer three arguments against cohabitation:

1. God says it’s wrong. The biblical pattern is for a man to leave his parents and hold fast to his wife, becoming one flesh (Gen 2:24). Later on we’ll see that our marriages are actually an analogy of Christ and the church. This only works for a committed relationship (Eph 5:31-33).

2. Cohabitation increases the chances of divorce. ⁹ According to the American College of Pediatricians, “Cohabitation before marriage is associated with lower marital satisfaction, dedication, and confidence as well as increased negative communication with couples spending less time together and men spending more time on personal leisure; there is more violence and a higher rate of divorce.”¹⁰ The report adds that those who live together are more likely to be unfaithful, and their children experience increased health risks. They conclude, “The doctors of the American College of Pediatricians urge their adolescent patients to avoid cohabitation and to recognize the life-long benefits of marriage…Saving the sexual relationship for marriage brings physical, emotional, and mental benefits to a couple.”¹¹

3. It’s bad for kids. As many as 46% of children will experience their mother cohabiting at some time by the age of 16.¹² However, a couple living together without any spiritual, legal, or social commitment creates a very insecure environment for kids who flourish better living with both parents in a marriage commitment. For example, after three years 49% of these couples split up (compared to only 11% of married parents).¹³

The bottom line is that sex and commitment go hand in hand. This is how God designed it, and it’s best if we don’t innovate. Tim Keller explains: “Unless you deliberately disable it, or through practice numb the original impulse, sex makes you feel personally interwoven and joined to another human being, as you are literally physically joined. In the midst of sexual passion, you naturally want to say extravagant things such as, “I’ll always love you.” Even if you are not legally married, you may find yourself very quickly feeling marriage-like ties, feeling that the other person has obligations to you. But that other person has no legal, social, or moral responsibility even to call you back in the morning. This incongruity leads to jealousy and hurt feelings and obsessiveness if two people are having sex but are not married. It makes breaking up vastly harder than it should be. It leads many people to stay trapped in relationships that are not good because of a feeling of having (somehow) connected themselves…The problem is that, eventually, sex will lose its covenant-making power for you, even if you one day do get married. Ironically, then, sex outside of marriage eventually works backwards, making you less able to commit and trust another person.¹⁴

Objections to the Bible’s Teaching

Ever so briefly, I want to cover three objections to biblical chastity for the unmarried:

1. It’s wise to sleep together before marriage to ensure compatibility. The argument goes one wouldn’t buy a car without taking it for a test drive so why would you marry someone without trying everything out? Well, people aren’t cars, and if all you had was one car, you wouldn’t have anything to compare it with and would just be thankful for it. Alternatively, sleeping with multiple partners before marriage pressures each spouse to measure up and turns sexual intimacy from a means of reinforcing the marriage covenant into a performance.

2. What about Ruth and Boaz? Didn’t God bless their premarital sex? First of all, it’s not at all clear that they had intercourse. Late at night, Ruth went to where Boaz was sleeping, uncovered his feet, and lay down (see Ruth 3). At midnight, he awoke and saw a woman lying at his feet! Boaz asked, “Who are you?” Ruth replied, “I am Ruth, your servant. Spread your covering over your servant, for you are a redeemer.” Boaz agreed to initiate the legal proceedings to try and marry her the next day. Then she lay at his feet until morning, but left before anyone else knew she was there. Katheryn Darr provides some insight here:

“If you know Hebrew, you recognize that the very meaning ‘to lie down’ refers to sexual intercourse in some contexts. The Hebrew word for ‘feet’ may be used euphemistically to refer to genitals. Furthermore, Ruth’s request that Boaz ‘spread your skirt over your maidservant,’ echoes metaphorical descriptions of betrothal (cf. Ezek. 16:8). The scene is certainly suggestive. Did Boaz and Ruth engage in sexual intercourse that night? As we shall see, the rabbis went to great effort to show that they did not. Quite apart from their opinion, however, an argument for sexual consummation on that occasion goes beyond what the text states and runs counter to the characterization of Ruth and Boaz as persons of unblemished virtue.”¹⁵

But, even if they did engage in premarital sex, that doesn’t overturn the Scripture we read. Shouldn’t we expect a higher standard for us living under the new covenant?

3. Our culture is vastly different today.¹⁶ Glen Stassen and David Gushee put this objection poignantly in their Kingdom Ethics book:

“In biblical days a woman married between ages twelve and fourteen, and a man between sixteen and twenty-one. We ask singles to remain celibate for much longer than ever before in history. Dating was unheard of only a few generations ago. Long periods of unchaperoned intimacy with others, combined with a culture that presumes that sex is ubiquitous, challenge the traditional ethic as never before. The Christian sexual ethic has not faced such a challenge in Western society since the earliest days of the church’s history.”¹⁷

In response to these shifts in culture we have (at least) two options. (1) We can trust God to help us live chastely longer than our forbearers. (2) We can marry younger than our peers. Christianity already bucks up against the culture in ten thousand other areas, why should sexuality and marriage be any different? Jesus did not call us to blend in with the world, but to be salt and light (Mat 5:13-14).

What to Do If You’ve Already Had Premarital Sex

As we’ll say many times in this class, this is NOT the unforgivable sin. If you’ve had premarital sex in the past, that doesn’t mean you can’t change now. Trust that God knows what’s best for you. Have some faith that through the shed blood of Christ and by the power of the holy spirit that you can overcome this sin. As for anytime we fall short, we have a clear procedure to help us get right with God:

1 John 1:6-9 6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

7 Bauer-Danker-Arndt-Gingrich (BDAG) Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature, third ed., (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2000).
8 Mindy Scott, Erin Schelar, Jennifer Manlove, Carol Cui, “Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage: Times May Have Changed, But Expectations Remain High,” Child Trends Research Brief, Publication #2009-30, (Washington DC: ChildTrends.org 2009), p. 3, available online http://www.childtrends.org/wpcontent/uploads/2009/07/Child_Trends-2009_07_08_RB_YoungAdultAttitudes.pdf accessed January 24, 2017.
9 One source reports cohabitation prior to marriage increases the chances of divorce by 46%: “Cohabitation,” ForYourMarriage.org, http://www.foryourmarriage.org/catholic-marriage/church-teachings/cohabitation/ accessed January 24, 2017.
10 Patricia Lee June, “Cohabitation: Effects of Cohabitation on the Men and Women Involved—Part 1 of 2,” American College of Pediatricians, March 2015, https://www.acpeds.org/the-college-speaks/positionstatements/societal-issues/cohabitation-part-1-of-2, accessed January 24, 2017.
11 ibid.
12 “The American Family Today,” Pew Research Center Social & Demographic Trends, December 17, 2015, available at http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2015/12/17/1-the-american-family-today/, accessed on January 24, 2017.
13 Patricia Lee June, “Cohabitation: Effects of Cohabitation on the Men and Women Involved—Part 2 of 2,” American College of Pediatricians, March 2015, https://www.acpeds.org/the-college-speaks/positionstatements/societal-issues/cohabitation-part-2-of-2, accessed January 24, 2017.
14 Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage (NY: Riverhead Books, 2011), pp. 259-260.
15 Katheryn Darr, Far More Precious than Jewels (Louisville, KY: John Knox Press, 1991), 65.
16 John Thomas points out how our culture has separated sex from pregnancy: “I also add that we probably wouldn’t even be having this conversation were it not for birth control, especially the ‘pill,’ and if abortions were not so easy to obtain. Without birth control and abortion, sex would mean a greater likelihood of raising babies, and raising babies would mean commitment, and commitment would mean marriage. That’s life in biblical times, so the question itself didn’t get much discussion in a world where sex and babies went together much more than they do in our time.” (John C. Thomas, “Solomon’s Line on Premarital Sex” Focus on the Family, 2006 http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/preparing-for-marriage/why-wait-for-sex/solomons-line-onpremarital-sex, accessed January 23, 2017.)
17 Glen Stassen and David Gushee, Kingdom Ethics (Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic, 2003), p. 303.