Once in a while, my wife, Ruth, makes a homemade dessert before dinner. The kids and I can smell it, can almost feel it calling to us, “eat me”. Inevitably, I’ll find myself standing over it in the kitchen. I’m looking at it, and it’s looking at me. I start to consider if there’s some way I can get a sample without her finding out. That’s about when I hear the voice loud and clear from the other room, “Don’t touch the dessert. It’s for after dinner”. This is the moment of self-control…or not. Do I break off a piece of a cookie or slide my finger along the frosting on a cake? Or do I wait until after dinner like I’m supposed to?

Understanding Self Control

Self-control is hard. But it’s also incredibly important. Thankfully, the Bible has much to teach us about the subject. To start with, the only occurrence of “self-control” in the Old Testament comes from the book of Proverbs, which says, “Like a city breached, without walls, is one who lacks self-control” (Prov 25:28). The two Hebrew words translated self-control mean literally “limitation to his spirit”. The idea is to hinder, impede, or limit your impulses.

Dogs can be a good example of the opposite. Untrained dogs pretty much never limit their impulses. Most will bark when they hear someone coming, whether friend or foe. They follow their noses wherever they lead. They eat whatever they find, whether it’s good for them or not. They’re simple animals that generally just follow their instincts.

To exercise self-control, then, is to oppose your inner dog—to limit and shape how you respond to a given stimulus whether internal or external. One Jewish source said, “Self-control, then, is dominance over the desires,” a definition that expresses not only the general idea of self-control, but also the attitude required to achieve success.¹ Rather than seeking to limit or diminish your desires, dominate them. Self-control often requires intensity. Our desires may seem overwhelming, but, with God’s help, we can dominate them.

What’s interesting about the proverb I quoted above is that those who lack self-control make themselves vulnerable—like a city without walls. People who don’t control their anger are susceptible to serious consequences. Venting your rage puts you at risk. An outburst of anger can result in losing your job, hurting someone close to you, or even incarceration. “One who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,” says Proverbs 16:32, “and one whose temper is controlled than one who captures a city.” In a world where soldiers capturing cities was a great aspiration, the wise man says he’d rather have someone who could control his temper.

Lust is another area where self-control is paramount. The Apostle Paul told married couples: “Do not deprive one another…so
that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Cor 7:5). To the singles he said, “…if they are not practicing self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion” (1 Cor 7:9). God’s outlet for sexual energy is marriage. Period.

Those who pursue sexual activity outside of marriage harm themselves and the other person involved. Sin always has consequences. The list of harmful results for extramarital sex is long: heartbreaking adultery, sexual harassment, sexual assault, objectification, sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies, child support, alimony, guilt, feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, anxiety, and more. Controlling your desires until you are married pays rich dividends, not only in avoiding negative consequences for yourself, but also in increasing the specialness and value of the sex you will have within marriage.

Of course, there are plenty of other arenas of life where you will want to exercise self-control beyond anger and lust. I just bring
these two up because they help us think through how self-control works. Essentially, it’s saying “no” to an impulse that feels irresistible in the moment. Yet, if you can strengthen your self-control muscle over time, you can achieve reliable victory. Epictetus, the Stoic philosopher, gave a stirring set of examples of how strong self-control can face anything.

Epictetus, Discourses 1.1.21-23. So what resources do we need to have at hand for circumstances like these? Just the knowledge of what is and isn’t mine, and of what is and isn’t possible for me. I am condemned to death. Do I have to die moaning and groaning as well? To incarceration. Do I have to complain about it? To exile. Is there anyone stopping
me from going with a smile, joyful and content? ‘Divulge your secrets.’ I refuse, because that’s something that’s up to me. ‘I’ll clap you in irons.’ What are you talking about, man? Me? You’ll shackle my leg, but not even Zeus can conquer my will.²

The lie is that you can’t help but respond to how someone treats you. The truth is you are always in control of your response. You often cannot control your circumstances or what others do, but you can control what you do. Self-control is not allowing your situation, other people, or your emotions to control you. If even a non-Christian like Epictetus, a man devoid of salvation, Christ’s example, and the holy spirit can master his own mind, then surely, we Christians should be able to as well!

Jesus’ Example

To get a better understanding of self-control, let’s turn to the example of the master himself, our Lord Jesus. After he had miraculously fed the five thousand with fish and bread, they decided “to come and take him by force to make him king” (John 6:15a). Do you think Jesus was tempted? Who wouldn’t be? These people liked him so much they wanted him to lead them. If you get a hundred likes on a social media post, you’re excited. Jesus had five thousand “likes” here. And he doesn’t let the fame or opportunity of influence get to his head. “He withdrew again to the mountain by himself ” (John 6:15b). He was able to resist the intoxicating allure of power and fame to stay on course to accomplish what God had called him to do.

Another time Jesus exercised self-control was before the high priest. After they arrested him at Gethsemane, they began fishing for accusations that they could use to convince the Romans to execute him. Some stood up and said, “We heard him say, ‘I will destroy this temple that is made with hands, and in three days I will build another, not made with hands’” (Mark 14:58). Have you ever been falsely accused of something? Doesn’t it make your blood boil? I’m sure Jesus was tempted to explain what he meant. They had twisted his words and made them mean something he didn’t. However, he knew that he had to keep quiet “like a sheep that before its shearers is silent” (Isa 53:7). He controlled his desire to defend himself and instead fulfilled the prophecy.

A third incident occurred while he was on the cross. People who passed by ridiculed him, saying, “Aha! You who would destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself, and come down from the cross” (Mark 15:29-30). The chief priests and scribes likewise mocked him saying, “He saved others; he cannot save himself. Let the Messiah, the King of Israel, come down from the cross now, so that we may see and believe” (Mark 15:31-32). Even the others crucified with him taunted him (Mark 15:32). If it were me, I would be shouting. I’d yell myself hoarse, “You morons, I never said that!” I’d go on and on clarifying what I actually said and what I meant by it. And yet, Jesus never engaged. He never explained himself, even though he knew they were dead wrong. What self-control!

Additionally, they dared him over and over to come down. They said they would believe if he did. The crazy thing is that Jesus could come down. He revealed earlier when they first arrested him that he had more than twelve legions of angels at his beck and call (Mat 26:53). This works out to between sixty and seventy-two thousand angels. This changes the power dynamic considerably. Yes, Jesus was on the cross. Yes, they were safely on the ground. But, at any moment he could unleash a wrath upon them the likes of which they had never seen. This means that while he hung there beaten, bruised, bloody, and bleeding, he needed to continue exercising serious self-control. With just one moment of weakness, we’d get an Old-Testament-wrath-of-God scene. But if he indulged in such vengeance, “How then would the Scriptures be fulfilled, which say it must happen in this way?” (Mat 26:54). Even in his moment of greatest physical weakness, exhausted and in excruciating pain, Jesus continued to control his impulses and submit to God’s plan. What Epictetus merely hypothesized about, Jesus of Nazareth actually did.

Jesus shows us what is possible for a human being wholly submitted to God. He’s the gold standard. Seeing his example, you may think to yourself, “There’s no way I could do that.” You are correct. You can’t do that, but God can. Christ’s secret was that he never did life on his own. He constantly differed to God and received strength from God’s spirit within him. This is how to tap into supernatural self-control. Recall that self-control is a fruit of the spirit (Gal 5:23)! This means that recognizing your inability to do it opens the possibility of God working through you via the spirit. You can’t, but He can. Have faith that He will help you in your moment of need (1 Cor 10:13).

Next time, in part two, we’ll consider practical ways to increase self-control in your life.

1. 4 Maccabees 1.31[↩]
2. Epictetus, The Complete Works: Handbook, Discourses & Fragments, trans. Robin Waterfield (Chicago, IL: University of Chicago, 2022), 72.[↩]